Because all these thoughts are just running through your head…
I honestly just feel like I’m doing everything wrong in life. Well, maybe I wouldn’t say in life, but in school. Not necessarily grades wise but just the whole idea of what I’m majoring in and what I’m going to do with my life seems to be more stressful at 2am then at 2pm. Because at 2pm, I feel like I’ll figure it out and that God has a plan for me and I just gotta keep doing what I’m doing and God will guide me in the right direction. But when it’s 2am, it’s like I’m not doing anything right at all and it’s like I tell myself “Ria, lift these struggles to God” but it’s so much harder to do so at 2am.
So what do I do with my life. It’s like I have this sudden drive and motivation to do something in my fellowship. Like this drive to, I actually don’t know what they call it, but like disciple someone? (I believe that’s the term) because if there is anything for certain it’s that I want to be a leader. But do I ask? Or when someone thinks I’m ready they ask me? Or what the heck am I supposed to do? Will I ever be ready? Could I even be someone who can bring people closer to Jesus? But it’s what I want to do? I feel so called and pushed to do so…and this isn’t a sudden 2:15am feeling, it’s a feeling I’ve had for a little while now. It’s so early in the game, well maybe not really since fall quarter is almost done, but I’m just a freshman. Is it to early to know I want to lead? I don’t know what to do or how to approach the situation and I want to talk to somebody but it’s 2:15 in the morning and if anyone’s awake it’s because they’re studying they’re ass off…
After going on kairos I knew I wanted to be a kairos leader but my schedule didn’t allow me to do so I guess God felt like it wasn’t my time or I wasn’t necessarily ready. But I wanted to do it, I really did. And now here I am, feeling called to be a leader in IV or to do something more in IV. It’s like I don’t know if this is what God is calling me to do or is it just me and my mind? I mean, I just talked my two suitemates into going to the Christmas event on Friday and to check out small group next quarter. And I want to go talk to my friend Nate about coming with me to a small group next quarter. And this kid named Eileen and Trevor. And it’s like all I want to do is go and be a witness. I want to bring people closer to Jesus and I want to people to experience all the greatness IV has brought into my life.
But does that mean being a leader? Or what am I supposed to do? Do I just do it? Or do I do something? Or what the heck? I’m so lost and so confused.
Now I’m back to feeling like I’m doing everything wrong. It’s like a full circle of those I-can’t-sleep-and-it’s-2:30am thoughts that just mess with you.
I doubt I’ll sleep any time soon and I doubt that my confusion will disappear in the morning. But I guess we’ll see what will happen. I trust God. He’ll guide me in the direction He has planned for me. I just hope He helps me figure it out soon because these thoughts are just killing me.